Life Wants You Dead

Written by: Evan Waite


Are you ready to face the terrifying truth? Life is out to get you, and this book is here to make sure you’re sufficiently scared! In this hilarious survival guide, you’ll learn that being afraid of absolutely everything is the only way to stay safe in this perilous world.

From the moment you open this book (careful, those hardcover corners are sharp!), you’ll be bombarded with illustrations, sidebars, jump scares, and one-liners that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Discover the dangers lurking in every aspect of your life, from the stop signs plotting to end your existence to the mirror creep who looks suspiciously like you.

With seven spine-chilling chapters covering topics like your treacherous body, the techpocalypse, and the educational system’s sinister agenda, you’ll never look at the world the same way again. As if that wasn’t enough, the book itself is a threat, complete with a removable foldout Fear Map ready to strike at your nerves from the inside back cover.

Author Evan Waite has written for Family Guy, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, NBC’s Sunnyside, The President Show, Our Cartoon President, Fairfax, and Kevin Hart’s Guide to Black History, as well as the New Yorker and countless other high profile comedy outlets. Needless to say, he knows and thing or two about writing jokes.

Endorsed by comedy greats like Patton Oswalt and Jack Handey, “Life Wants You Dead” is the perfect gift for anyone in need of a laugh (and a good scare) in these anxiety-ridden times. So, gather your courage, grab a copy, and prepare to be hilariously terrified!


This could make the perfect gift book for the following:

  1. Your pessimistic friend who always sees the glass half empty (or completely empty).
  2. Your overly enthusiastic gym buddy who constantly talks about “embracing the struggle.”
  3. Your high-strung coworker who has a nervous breakdown every time a deadline approaches.
  4. Your adrenaline-junkie cousin who loves skydiving, rock climbing, and other life-threatening activities.
  5. Your cynical philosophy professor who believes that existence is inherently painful.
  6. Your nihilistic goth friend who dresses in all black and quotes Nietzsche incessantly.
  7. Your drama queen friend who treats every minor inconvenience like a catastrophic event.
  8. Your overly cautious neighbour who refuses to leave their house because “the world is a dangerous place.”
  9. Your daredevil sibling who seems to have a death wish (but in an endearing way).
  10. Yourself, as a gentle reminder to cherish every moment and not take life too seriously.

Of course, you might want to include a light-hearted note explaining that it’s a tongue-in-cheek gift and not meant to be taken too literally. Unless, of course, you’re trying to send a not-so-subtle message to someone who desperately needs a reality check.


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